Jurassic World mini-review, in which I am forced to
paraphrase Roger Ebert’s review of North.
I hated this movie. I hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. I hated every audience insulting minute of this movie. I hated every joyless excitement free moment of this film from the very first shot to the very last shot. I hated the ultra-fake looking baby dinosaur claw that burst out of an egg within the first 90 seconds of the movie as if to tell me right away, “yes, we had 150 million dollars and no, we didn’t care about anything, especially how the dinosaurs look.” If they had blown that huge budget on getting B.D. Wong to reprise his minor role from Jurassic Park I’d be fine with that, but I don’t think that’s where the money went. I hated how this movie just lifted scenes from other movies instead of doing anything approaching mild originality. I hated the dinosaur they flat out made up for this movie, because the executives running park thought “real live dinosaurs, who cares? We’ll create bigger, scarier dinosaurs with superpowers and grasping hands. Yeah, that’s a great idea.” I hated how boring their made up super dinosaur looked. I couldn't tell it apart from other regular dinosaurs. By the way, when you make up a dinosaur, it’s called a dragon.
I hated the hipster character with glasses, a stupid mustache and half beard, and t shirt of Jurassic Park who goes on about how great the first park was (you know, the park that was never open to the public?) that was meant to placate me and insult me at the same time. I hated that all the women in this movie either cried or were eaten. I hated the unnecessarily mean death given to one female extra who took a moment to show concern for the boys we’re supposed to care about and was carried off by a flying dinosaur and eaten by different dinosaur. Wasn’t that cool? No, no it wasn’t Jurassic World. I hated how dull and bland the main characters were. I hated the stupid, idiotic plot about turning raptors into military weapons. I hated that people sat down, thought these things up (remembered other movies they saw), wrote it down, and someone said sure, this’ll work. I hate any mind that thought this could pass for entertainment. I hated whatever is in me that won’t let me just turn off a movie after I start it.
I haven’t hated a movie this much in an incredibly long time. This movie replaces M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit for the worst movie I’ve seen this year. This movie made me wish I’d spent the night watching Jaws the Revenge and Birdemic. The only time you should ever watch Jurassic World is in the company of Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo.
I hated this movie. I hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. I hated every audience insulting minute of this movie. I hated every joyless excitement free moment of this film from the very first shot to the very last shot. I hated the ultra-fake looking baby dinosaur claw that burst out of an egg within the first 90 seconds of the movie as if to tell me right away, “yes, we had 150 million dollars and no, we didn’t care about anything, especially how the dinosaurs look.” If they had blown that huge budget on getting B.D. Wong to reprise his minor role from Jurassic Park I’d be fine with that, but I don’t think that’s where the money went. I hated how this movie just lifted scenes from other movies instead of doing anything approaching mild originality. I hated the dinosaur they flat out made up for this movie, because the executives running park thought “real live dinosaurs, who cares? We’ll create bigger, scarier dinosaurs with superpowers and grasping hands. Yeah, that’s a great idea.” I hated how boring their made up super dinosaur looked. I couldn't tell it apart from other regular dinosaurs. By the way, when you make up a dinosaur, it’s called a dragon.
I hated the hipster character with glasses, a stupid mustache and half beard, and t shirt of Jurassic Park who goes on about how great the first park was (you know, the park that was never open to the public?) that was meant to placate me and insult me at the same time. I hated that all the women in this movie either cried or were eaten. I hated the unnecessarily mean death given to one female extra who took a moment to show concern for the boys we’re supposed to care about and was carried off by a flying dinosaur and eaten by different dinosaur. Wasn’t that cool? No, no it wasn’t Jurassic World. I hated how dull and bland the main characters were. I hated the stupid, idiotic plot about turning raptors into military weapons. I hated that people sat down, thought these things up (remembered other movies they saw), wrote it down, and someone said sure, this’ll work. I hate any mind that thought this could pass for entertainment. I hated whatever is in me that won’t let me just turn off a movie after I start it.
I haven’t hated a movie this much in an incredibly long time. This movie replaces M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit for the worst movie I’ve seen this year. This movie made me wish I’d spent the night watching Jaws the Revenge and Birdemic. The only time you should ever watch Jurassic World is in the company of Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo.
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