From the Vault: Masterminds

There are certain movies that, good or bad, make their foothold in our cinematic consciousness. On the other hand certain movies, good or bad, can slip to the back of our consciousness. Each month I'll be taking a look back at a movie that since it was released has fallen through the cracks, been completely forgotten about, or just hasn't been watched in a while. This month:

Masterminds

I have a vague recollection of seeing a TV spot for this movie when I was at my grandparents’ house after school one day. No doubt it was marketed to my then demographic (13 year old boys) because it’s essentially a PG version of Die Hard. You know, for kids. I’ll admit I never saw this movie in theaters or on video when it was released so this doesn't technically count as a revisit, but this movie definitely falls into the “Does anyone remember that?/ Was that a movie?” category.

Masterminds was made just in time to catch the tail-end of the grunge period of the 90’s, so there is muted-colored clothing, long-haired boys, a best friend named K-Dog (a white suburban kid, naturally), and Ally McBeal suits for the hero’s working stepmother. Patrick Stewart, with a devilishly devilish moustache, stars as the villain, Bentley, who along with a crew of henchmen, takes over a school and holds the rich kids hostage so their rich parents will pay a big ransom. But the troublemaker Ozzie (Vincent Kartheiser, who grew up to be Pete Campbell in Mad Men) has hidden from the henchmen and sets about thwarting their evil plans through a series of traps and pranks that also double as great science fair ideas (...not really). In fact Ozzie’s methods of stopping the bad guys (turning on the sprinklers, turning up the boiler, rigging a Bunsen burner so that it burns the hand of the henchman chasing after him, are all far less dangerous then the traps Macaulay Culkin sets for the burglars in the Home Alone movies. Ozzie is also a hacker. Remember the 1990’s, when computer hackers could do anything just by tapping a couple keys on the computer? Even Ozzie’s father hacks into the villain’s computer system so easily he’s not even sure he’s just hacked.

There are two highlights of the movie, both involving Patrick Stewart, who seems to have had a lot of fun playing a ridiculously harmless bad guy. Moment #1 comes when the principal of the school tells Bentley (Stewart) she hopes “they fry him.” Bentley tells her, with villainous delight, “Oh, I'll be frying, Claire, under the hot tropical sun!” and does a little tropical island dance. Even the movie knows this a highlight since it replays this scene over the credits. The other great Patrick Stewart moment comes towards the end of the movie when Bentley knocks his partner in crime over the head, declares he’s been a “United” fan all along, rips off his shirt and suspenders revealing the soccer jersey he’s been wearing under his suit all day, and makes his getaway in a weaponized dune buggy. He doesn't escape though, he makes a wrong turn getting away through the sewer and ends up driving his dune buggy into a lake of sewage. Punishment enough. Ozzie saves his sister and lets the grown ups know who the real bad guys are, some business men… it’s not important.

Is this movie bad enough to be good? Not really. Would I recommend it? No, it’s not even available on DVD. But I need you to be aware that there exists a movie where Patrick Stewart holds a school hostage and does a tropical island dance. If you've got 90 minutes to kill and Masterminds comes on the HBO family channel, why not? I won’t tell.